Even If

On October 27th of this year, we got some news that was difficult to process. I hinted at it in the Stinkin’ Thinkin’ blog post. I asked my man (husband and Jacob’s daddy), Mike, if he might sum up his thoughts about his cancer diagnosis and this is what followed:

Getting a diagnosis of cancer is never a good feeling but when you are an old senior like me, it can’t be the same as when a young person gets the diagnosis.

I will say that for me, the news was not even a close second in sadness to the news we got from Dr. C. Tardo in 1980 that Jacob was autistic. That he would probably never walk or talk. I would think any parent would feel the same way when they receive really bad news on their child. Whether it be death, illness, etc.

A lot of things go through your mind when you get the word. One good thing is you start trying to live in the moment since that’s all any of us have. The cancer will hang on to you for the rest of your life with you potentially worrying if it has come back or not. But in reality, we all have death waiting in the corner to have his chance to get you. I always tell people this life is short and is preparation for the next life. Our real life.

Anyway, below is a conversation I may or may not have had with the Lord when I got my diagnosis of chordoma cancer:

Me: Why me, Lord?!
Lord: Why not you, Mike?
Me: Was it so all my friends, family, and people I don’t know could pray for my healing and we could rejoice and give glory to you when you healed me?
Lord: No Mike, that’s not why.
Me: Was it so I can deal with having cancer and show people how to give glory to you while in the midst of the trial?
Lord: No Mike, that’s not why.
Me: Then why Lord,?
Lord: Mike, this cancer is personal between you and me. I want to know if you will love me, even if.
Me: Even if?
Lord: I want to know if you will love me even if I don’t cure you of cancer.
Me: I’m 66 years old, have enjoyed living all these years Lord. No problem, yes, I will still love you if you don’t heal me.
Lord: Careful Mike. If I take you by this cancer, it will mean your long time prayer to take care of Jacob ALL of his life will be answered with a No. Will you still love me, even if?

We all have an “even if”. What is yours?

I hope I prove faithful to the Lord.


5 thoughts on “Even If

  1. Well you really gave me something to ponder on. Guess we all have these times if we actually just think about what’s going on in our lives. With my time of having cancer it really showed me how much God cares for us and wants us to just depend on him. You and Mike has been great examples of trusting God through everything.

    Liked by 1 person

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